


Haachama's spaghetti

by meemimajima



Category: Hololive, 龍が如く | Ryuu ga Gotoku | Yakuza (Video Games)
Genre: Cooking, Crack, Crossover, Domestic, F/M, Family Dinners, Memes, lots of screeching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meemimajima/pseuds/meemimajima
Summary: What happens if you take The Mad Dog of Shimano and make him marry The Mad Idol of Hololive?You get a crossover absolutely no one requested but everyone needed.
Relationships: Kiryuu Coco/Kiryu Kazuma (one-sided), Majima Goro/Akai Haato
Kudos: 15





	Haachama's spaghetti

**Author's Note:**

> If you want really immersive experience, put on [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvOHijJqups), [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM3d266_QWw), [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5OC3B4Xevc) (make 'em all loop) and couple of on-going Hololive streams from idols of your choosing.
> 
> No Yakuza or Hololive knowledge is required to understand this, although this might seem like 69% funnier if you know at least some of these characters.

Majima’s keys were lost again. Fantastic, just fan-fucking-tastic. As if the work itself hadn’t been painful enough, more and more bullshit like this just kept happening to him as of today. A defeated sigh escaped from his lips as he kicked the door. Surely his wife back at home would hear it, unless she was busy playing with her friends again. She shouldn’t, of course, at this hour she should be cooking delicious meal for the two of them to consume while swapping stories of how their days had been. And oh boy, Majima sure had a tale or two to share about one chaos loving friend of hers.

”Open up goddammit. I’m freezin’. I’m takin’ like 500,000 nipple damage as we speak”, Majima shouted, not far from knocking down the entire doorway.

Not long after that burst of violence, Majima’s wife, Haachama, formerly known as Akai Haato, opened the door. She was wearing a white, stained apron on top of her red and black gothic lolita style dress, as well as a gas mask. She had been cooking up until now, so she was pissed her oh-so-careless husband had once again locked himself out.

”Thanks. So, what’re we havin’ today?” Majima asked as he kicked off his shoes by the door.

”Deep-fried spaghetti and marshmallows”, Haachama told as she returned to the kitchen to check on the spaghetti. The pot she was trying to cook them was not nearly big enough, so now those noodly goodies were half soft and half hard. An idea rose to her twisted, culinary experimenting mind. ”Can I borrow your lighter?”

Majima tossed her the lighter from the pocked of his leather pants, then made his way to on the kitchen table, turning on the TV. Haachama gave the lighter a few excited clicks before setting the still uncooked ends of spaghetti on fire. Now it’d all cook equally, right?

The sound of fire alarm beeping away was not an usual sound to be heard. In fact, Haachama had grown so used to it she had learned to find comfort in that high-pitched whistle. This was her kitchen, her realm, where she was allowed to do whatever the fuck she wanted. Majima, who’s ears were still sore from extraordinarily loud day at the construction site, tried to throw a coffee mug at the fire alarm to shut it down, but missed it, splattering his cold leftover coffee from breakfast all around the walls.

”Can’t ya shut it down? I’ve had to listen explosions all day long. I swear Usada construction is better at breakin’ shit than buildin’ it”, he sighed. All he wanted to do was to rest after a hard week at work.

The city was in shambles, as just last month there had been a huge fight between a giant fox-beast Fubzilla, a candy princess wearing Godzilla pajamas called Nanora, and 156 meters tall Korone, the happy dog of Hololive. Pretty much every construction company within the city had been enlisted, and while Majima was more than happy to do just that, he wasn’t all too glad about all those amateurs he was sharing the construction site with. Most notable troublemaker was of course none other than Usada Pekora, a rabbit princess with great fondness to anything with lots of destructive powers.

As if the day couldn’t get any worse, Majima had barely been able to sit down when the doorbell rang. Considering Haachama was busy preparing the delicious dinner, Majima knew it was his responsibility to go get the door.

”We’re not buyin’ anythin’, now scr- Oh, it’s ya Kiryu-chan. Come in, come in. My wife’s makin’ dinner, care to join us?” Majima spoke, his anger fading away as Kiryu sat by the kitchen table. 

”Goro, now that you’re up, can you pass me one of the watermelons?” Haachama asked, pointing towards a basket in the table with various fruits. Majima grabbed the biggest and the greenest one. It let out a small, girly giggle. This was not an ordinary watermelon, but in fact, Watamelon, a beloved sheep bard, who for some reason had turned herself into a watermelon, which of course was the funniest shit ever happened on Hololive.

”Do you need any meat with your meal? I can give you a hand, literally”, Watame, who had turned back into a normal sheep-girl, suggested. Haachama thought it for a while and agreed on that, approaching Watame with a big, scary cooking knife. Majima headed out to the balcony for a brief cigarette break, as sounds of Watame getting slaughtered filled the kitchen. It was fine, she would respawn in merely 8 seconds.

”Lively as ever, I see”, Kiryu laughed, resting against the railing of the balcony, eyeing the shambled city spreading in front of his eyes.

”She’s great, most of the time at least. A bit loud sometimes, but I guess I can live with that”, Majima sighed. Compared to her screaming when she was streaming video games with her friends, the buzzing city seemed whisper-quiet.

”You fit well together”, Kiryu said. Both Majima and Haachama were mad, just filled with cursed energies and communicated mostly with unintelligible screeching.

Kiryu had by now used to the thought of Majima being married. As much fun as they had had back in the day when they had still been young and single, those times were long gone. Maybe one of these Kiryu would find himself a nice spouse to share a home with.

”Hello motherfuckers! Where’s your husband? I wanna show him this real funny meme I saw on the internet”, Coco, a dragon in mostly human form, asked from Haachama as she appeared from the bathroom, holding a phone in her hands.

”Out in the balcony, having a smoke with his friend Kiryu”, Haachama told. She was barely able to finish the sentence before Coco let out a scream.

”Kiryu? Kiryu motherfucking Kazuma?!” Coco repeated. Haachama must’ve nodded, as Majima and Kiryu heard hurried footsteps approaching the balcony.

”Hi Coco. How’s it hangin’?”, Majima greeted Coco casually, who totally ignored Majima’s words for now and had all forgotten about that fresh meme she was about to show. No, she had just caught a glimpse of her idol, Kiryu from Yakuza series. They were just fated to be together, having same name and birthday and this whole dragon image.

”Kiryu!!!” Coco shouted, jumping to hug Kiryu.

”I’m sorry, but am I supposed to know you?” Kiryu asked awkwardly. The uneasiness within him only grew as he felt a pair of enormous breasts pushing against his chest. This woman wasn’t all that much shorter than himself, her horns almost poking out his eyes. 

”You’re my motherfucking husbando!” Coco screamed in excitement.

”What...?” Kiryu muttered He had already dealt with one hysterical fan in the past, Majima who stood just next to him, but now this? Kiryu was way too old for any more of this shit. He was hoping this would all be but a misunderstanding of some sort.

”We will have strong dragon babies together, right?” Coco cooed, rubbing her horny (pun intended) head against Kiryu’s pecs, comfortable as a firm pillow.

”I, uhh... I think I left the rice cooker on. Yeah. Gotta go”, Kiryu said. Without further ado, he hopped over the balcony railing. Kiryu Kazuma had never killed anyone, and never would, not even himself. He survived the fall from 20th floor just fine and waved his hand to the nearest taxi. Whether he’d go to a hospital or a psychologist, the story won’t tell. However, Coco was pissed and jumped right after Kiryu, turning herself into a fierce dragon to chase her husbando down while shouting obscenities as well as made up words like ”yametekudastop”.

Majima couldn’t help but to question whether it had been ’just a cigarette’ he had smoked or if this one had had a hefty dose of Asacoco mixed in. Then again, after meeting with Haachama, his life had become but a roller coaster of weird happenings right after another. Nothing could surprise him anymore.

As Majima returned back inside, Haachama was almost done with cooking and Watame had respawned, now taking her leave. She was supposed to stream later tonight, and had to make sure her internet wouldn’t die on her yet again. Haachama had hoped for Watame to stay for the dinner.

”Can I at least make you some BLT-sandwich as a snack?” Haachama offered.

Whatever ”BLT” meant very much depended on the listener. To Haachama, it probably meant ”butter-lemon-Tabasco” sandwich, but there was also someone with very different idea of that acronym.

”Did I hear someone talking about BL?” Marine, a very horny pirate-wannabe asked. Where exactly had she appeared from, no one knew, but whenever there was talks about something lewd going on, she was sure to make an appearance. To her, BL meant boy-love manga, yaoi, of course.

”Goro, can I borrow your baseball bat for a sec?” Haachama yelled from the kitchen.

”Sure. It’s by the door, y’know, in case some fuckers come botherin’ me”, Majima answered, trying to flick through some architectural plans from this month’s building project.

Haachama picked up the aluminum baseball bat and gave it a few swings in the air before chasing down Marine. Majima had taught Haachama quite a few tricks with the bat and catching your opponent by surprise. She had been a obedient student, as not long after, a loud bonk echoed in the apartment.

”They released you from horny jail already?” Haachama screeched. 

”Can ya pipe it down, I’m tryin’ to figure this shit out. I swear whoever planned this was genius but the added notes make no sense whatsoever”, Majima muttered, latter half to mostly to himself. Little did he know that these plans were made by Moona, basically Pekora’s own Nishida. Moona had great vision when it came to constructing, but her skills with Japanese were not as great.

Asking Haachama to quiet down was as useful as asking forest fire to just exhaust itself out. Even now, a screech filled the apartment. Majima decided to call it a day and look at the plans at the construction site tomorrow.

”Sorry, did ya say somethin’?” Majima asked from Haachama, now putting the deep fried spaghetti and marshmallows on three separate plates, where there were already fine-cut lamb stakes.

”I thought you said something”, Haachama said back to Majima, carefully drawing some hearts with licorice sauce on top of the meals. ”Must’ve been Roadkill demanding food.”

Roadkill was Majima’s and Haachama’s beloved pet possum. The little friend was running in Haachama’s legs as she was picking up the plates from the counter. Roadkill was indeed hungry, as Okayu, a catgirl who very much loved eating, had devoured its earlier food.

Haachama screeched at Roadkill to stay calm or she’d end up dropping the plates.

Roadkill screeched because it was so incredibly hungry.

Majima screeched them both to shut the fuck up, he had a headache from getting hit by a falling anvil earlier today.

Roadkill screeched because it didn’t understand the concept of headache or what bad would it do to eat three meals instead of just one.

Haachama screeched as she fell down, shattering the plates and her lovingly crafted meals spreading all around.

Roadkill screeched from happiness. So much food!

A neighbor screeched for them to shut the fuck up as they were trying to tune their grand piano.

Majima screeched them to shut the fuck up or he’d introduce the business end of his baseball bat to that instrument.

Haachama screeched because her meal was ruined.

Somewhere out there, Coco still screeched after Kiryu doing his best to escape this one dragon he could not best.

And the screeching continues...

The end.


End file.
